HighStakesBlog

March 10, 2009

Depression Sucks

Filed under: Crap I can't categorize — HighStakesBlog @ 9:09 pm

I hate its randomness.  I hate the fact that I think I am “handling” things and that I have an idea the specifics of the internal dialogue that send me spiraling into mental misery.  I hate the fact that it’s never permanent.  I hate the fact that when I begin feeling depression’s sufocating presence, all I want to do is reach out and yet that socialization is the first thing taken from me.  I can’t even answer the phone when it rings.

I hate that it takes me away from this blog.  It strips me of my desire to write and my confidence to write.  I hate that it keeps me from commenting on other blogs that I read and want to weigh in on.

I hate that it takes the joy out of spending time with my children.  Watching them becomes something to get through and not something to cherish.  I hate that they’re beginning to be old enough to tell.

I hate that it robs me of the anticipation that usually gives me such enjoyment.  I hate that life becomes something to dread.  I hate that my trip to Vegas seems so far away, even though it’s next week.  I hate that I am worried that it’s too soon because I don’t want to be feeling this way as I step on that plane.

I hate that it makes time seem like an interminable and indistinguishable mess.  I hate that I cannot enjoy this Blue Jackets-Bruins game and that I cannot tell you what has happened because it has all looked the same.  I hate that I no longer want to flip to the Butler-Cleveland State game.  I hate that I cannot even THINK about the tremendous basketball that is yet to be played this coming weekend.

I hate that all I can think about and all that I can write about is the depression itself. I hate that I’m not strong enough to overcome this.  I hate that you had to read this.

I hate that it won’t be the last time.

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1 Comment »

  1. I hate that you feel this way bud. I would say something cliche here about ups and downs but I know it won’t help. What I CAN say is Vegas baby, Vegas.

    Comment by chemdork — March 10, 2009 @ 10:57 pm


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